possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
Randomize
