FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
