he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
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