My roommate just did the walk of shame in last nights corset back to our room to find her dad there. THATS why i go to school out of state.
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
Randomize
