I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
Randomize
