my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
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