Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
Randomize
