Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
I sometimes wonder how many of the girls I know have done anal...and why none of them have ever dated me.
Drunk in some girls audi what the fuck is happenin i love sb
it's ELEVEN
thirty
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The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
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He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
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