My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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