her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
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