You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
Randomize
