I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
Randomize
