what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
Randomize
