my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
