yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
He asked to "fluff my boner.."
Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
u r missing out we r watching a tranny direct traffic in a gstring
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
