i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
Are my feet made of real feet?
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
Randomize
