I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
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