did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck
I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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