And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
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