Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
Randomize
