last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
