turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
Randomize
