I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
If I had your ass I would rule the world
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
Randomize
