Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
There are leaves in my underwear?
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
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