She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
