I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
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