Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
Randomize
