If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
Just 30 Funny Tumblr Posts About Starbucks
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
18 People Are Kind Of A**holes But Also Completely Hilarious
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.