Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.