I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
You left your phone here
Wait...
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