I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
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Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
I need a full description of the guy I hooked up with. I don't think I ever saw his face
he seemed brazillian..
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
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She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.