Texts From Last Night · Random Texts

ADVERTISEMENT

ADVERTISEMENT

ADVERTISEMENT

ADVERTISEMENT

(303): View more from Colorado

I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.

Fav 18 6901 781
share tweet
(810): View more from Michigan

i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors

Fav 4 2174 1108
share tweet

ADVERTISEMENT

(203): View more from Connecticut

No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.

Fav 11 1863 1147
share tweet
(610): View more from Pennsylvania

I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.

(908): View more from New Jersey

Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.

Fav 6 1357 1181
share tweet
19 Characteristics That Make People Instantly Attractive
Read it at the TFLN blog
(410): View more from Maryland

Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots

(1-410): View more from Maryland

Cant promise that last part. I won't die though

Fav 1 1406 711
share tweet
(406): View more from Montana

Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving

Fav 18 2505 859
share tweet

ADVERTISEMENT

(262): View more from Wisconsin

You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.

Fav 1 734 1320
share tweet

ADVERTISEMENT

(410): View more from Maryland

I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.

Fav 2 618 420
share tweet

ADVERTISEMENT

(740): View more from Ohio

I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.

Fav 1 129 114
share tweet

ADVERTISEMENT