I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
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Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
Not sure. No solid plans. Just tanning nude.
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
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After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"