Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
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I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
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I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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