Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
