Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
Define "chronic" masturbator.
just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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