New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
Randomize
