can we get nightvision for the apartment?
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
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