I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
Randomize
