i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
He' s half Black and half Italian, I finally asked...this penis maybe one for the records.
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
Randomize
