All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
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