apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
I don't deserve a penis
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
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