watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Randomize
