I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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