I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
Its official, kitchen-couch is my favorite.
You passed out again didn't you?
its likely that this occurred.
Randomize
