I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
Randomize
