Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
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