If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
Randomize
