My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
Randomize
