Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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