apparently you CAN get banned from Nascar.
every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Randomize
