I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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