just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
Randomize
