Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
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