I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
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