the condom got lost in my hair
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
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