The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
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