If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
In America we eat man semen.
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
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