That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
we dont know what were doing after yet. first up we have 90 beers and a party kit and fun hats.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
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